feel a little unsteady

the hyperness of earlier today has passed, leaving me exhausted and drained. things revealed and connections made will pass in time, like everything else. why should i care? i want to give blood tomorrow. in part it's a test, to prove to myself that dammit i am strong enough to let them stick a needle into me. that i am a good enough person. that really, once and for all, i am not afraid of it. i used to say i had gotten better but who was i fooling? watching the blood come out of my arm is some bizarre twisted rite of passage prescribed by some unknown section of my brain. something i have to do. something that will save someone's life. and that's a funny thing to think of, saving someone's life. having an effect in this world i dont seem to belong to.

and when they stick the needle in my arm i'll be thinking of you.