these stars don't shine

i went back to school yesterday after being absent for nearly a week and in every class people were happy, they said 'we thought you'd fallen off the face of the earth! if you were out today, we were going to come to your house with a get well card! i hope you don't have mono.' et cetera. who knew half of them noticed or cared that i was even in the class?

i will be the first to admit that i have a horribly skewed view of the world around me, particularly as relates to me. but what can i do about that? i am who i am. and i'm stuck with this brain that i have, these problems. i never see myself as being pretty/hot, remarkable in any way, or even there. and then i'm gone and i miss people but i'm sure they don't miss me because who would miss me? and then i come back and classmates i barely talk to are coming up to me and asking me where i've been, what i have. the dean of students discusses my hair with the one class she teaches. it's all so strange. yesterday someone told me that i'm magnetic. and i don't see it. i know people who could definitely be described as such, but i am not one. i have no social skills whatsoever, so i'm always surprised when people seek out my company. she went on to say that part of the attraction was that i didn't seem to care, which is oh-so-true because if i don't see it, how could i care about it? the world is a strange entity, it exists entirely outside of me and i exist entirely outside of it. i'm not used to people noticing my presence, or i don't expect it, because i don't feel present. i can walk along the street and see people and forget that they see me to, i can feel like i fly, i can be in my head spinning and spinning and spinning and to a passerby i am just a teenager sitting there. reality? psh. so out of touch. and you know what hapens when i'm out of touch, i'm suddenly convinced that i could do a lot of things that could result in bodily harm and it won't affect me. i walk along the street and contemplate jumping in front of that car for the experience. because hey, i've never been hit by a car before. i climb on top of a deserted builing in the middle of the night and wonder what it would be like to jump off. and consequently i don't trust myself, because i know if i let myself go anything could happen.