wishing and hoping

i wish i were pretty. i wish i didn't have a headache. i wish i didn't have schoolwork. i wish i had an interesting life.

most of all i wish i appreciated what i have.

there is this bubble of stagnant air around me that follows mw wherever i go and i feel so trapped in it, so static. looking out on the world. i don't feel anything. i don't feel alive. this is why i used to cut. but i can't i can't cut. i won't. i need to find some other way of breaking the shell breaking the illusion before i slip lose control do something stupid.

in a way i hate the feeling of not knowing what's going to come out of my mouth next.

and in a way i love it. for once i do not think too much, i am not predictable.

but really i should never ever feel this woozy and crappy for no good reason.

i watch i observe i see all of you but do you see me?