tear me down

oh lordy. i am such a space cadet. i keep missing trains and buses because i think i remember the time but i don't actually and i don't have enough energy to look anything up or get anything done and time just sorta passes me by. not flipping out just spacing out. i cannot concentrate. on anything. not on this not on homework not on people not on places not on schedules i get a headache. will not get sick till after fomf. will not get sick at all. will ignore fact that throat hurt like a bitch this morning. will ignore a lot of other things too. productive? maybe not. probably not. definitely not. i want lo to email me back. i miss her. i was in love with her once...this is what happend when i freewrite when i'm not in control i start telling people things about myself i break down and i'm breaking down physically and mentally and do i even know what love is? i should talk more except nobody wants to hear what i have to say. i cant talk. it hurst. not physically. nothing comes out. what does come out is mangld and unintelligible. why am i doomed to ove people i can never see? autry lo katie. at least katie is in the state i love her. but i don't get to see her any more than the people who aren't in the state and she was my first do you know that? i said it was lost but it wasn't, just pushed slightly away, that night was the night and she was the one and she was wonderful. i wish i could arrive at a nice balance of functionality and sanity and stay there comfortably without any of this crap but i dont because it makes life more interesting makes me more interesting because really i am a boring person. uberboring. and invisible to boot. hello? bubble. you there? of course not. i want you. i want to talk to you. does this count as need yet. it counts as i need to get to the train to dance but i dont eat enough im dizzy this sucks. please, brain. function. that's all i ask.