fuck this time and place

if i don't get out of here soon i feel like something is going to crush me without anyone noticing, like one day i'll be here with all the pressure pushing down on me and then the next day i'll be gone. if i closed my eyes for long enough i would disappear. do i even need to close my eyes? i sleep to escape this feeling of being stuck in a dead end, running in circles trying to keep up with the frantic pace of everything experimenting with things here and there feeling the buzz of a margarita and a boy's lips on mine, for the sole reason that i can. i used to have self control. where did it go? it's gone, gone with my sanity. i am a space case, a headcase, and no matter how many times i say this it's still true. i'm not really here. am i even someone worth knowing? i'm a stuck up asshole who refuses to believe it's even all true. people tell me i'm pretty and i deny it even as i look in the mirror and think hey, not so bad, so i start flaunting it, using it to get what i want. i skate by in math and science and people tell me i'm smart and i say well i don't think i'm that smart...and then i finish the psat early and am in the 99th percentile again and i say no, it's just an easy test, but i know i can do it so i don't work, i laugh at all the people who i know are smarter than me and take everything so seriously. is it really good to get easy a's? i am so insecure. i think i've found who i am but then i realizethat how i think of myself is totally skewed and self-centered and i always feel self-centered because i'm so busy trying to work out my own life that i can work out anyone else's life. why do you bother? why do you care? why do people like me? i'm not pretty or smart or anything else you say i am. i'm just too good at playing this stupid game, decieving everyone into thinking i'm something i'm not. or is that even true? what am i?