i see myself from the outside and wonder how i got here, this fragile, beautiful shell of what i once was. i don't feel like myself, mostly because i can see what i've become. i am a shadow, walking through life and going through all the motions, so nobody really knows what's happened inside. i fall apart, but nobody ever knows. i've become too good an actress in my life. i think that's why i quit acting onstage, because my whole life is playing a role. and it's time to stop playing that role, to figure out who i really am, to laugh, to cry, to do anything without feeling like it's an act.

i was so close to being dead inside. but i've been coming back...you made it worth living again...or maybe you just showed me how much i was missing. and i want to show you my world, twisted as it may be. i'm going to break out of this, reborn, able to really feel things. i can feel something stirring, deep down, ready to break through the fuzzed out feeling that's taken permanent residence in the front of my brain.

do i know how to stop acting? i guess maybe i'll have to learn.