i should not be blogging right now. i should be writing the introduction a mi proyecto final de español tres, pero no. i'm blogging instead. hehe. silly teacher who gives us laptops with wireless internet and a supposed work period. she can't tell what i'm doing. spanish is truly a silly class. i swear i'm actually losing speaking ability cuz we get so bogged down in the grammar. damn grammar. anyway, it's a worthless class. we're spending the last six weeks of school writing papers and sewing. not very useful at all...

i hate being back here. this is not where i want to be. it does nothing for me. i'm sick of castilleja and the routine of my life. i'm tired of going to a rich kid school that really does nothing for where i want to go, having two teachers i actually like, and not being able to do something more useful like get a job or volunteer tech for things because of the sheer amount of homework. i know next year is just going to get worse, with ap classes. around this place there's no way not to take aps. it's one of those things everyone does and if you make it out of castilleja without a minimum number of aps taken people think you're the biggest slacker ever or just really dumb. maybe i am the biggest slacker ever but i do not want to devote this much to a place that really gives me nothing. i know where i want to go and what i want to do and it certainly isn't this. some days i wish i could drop out and go to gav or foothill or west valley, cuz then i'd be able to do what i wanted much more than i can now.

i guess i can see why mum won't let me get a job. it's hard enough to keep up with stupid castilleja work without something else going on, but the truth is that a job would force me to be responsible and i would be because it'd be something i'd want to be doing. last week was so perfect. i spent three days in the chapel, working with roxane and natti and ryan and peter, and the best part is that i wasn't just that random kid, i was part of the crew. peter and ryan, the professional techs that natti brought in, recognized that i knew my way around and i knew what i was doing and they came to me when they needed to do stuff like get the genie into the house. and natti had me stringing star strobes abovce the stage and reading distances off the plot. it was wonderful. it was three days of what i want this summer to be. for once i was part of something bigger than school.

and i was a weight-bearing member of the crew. i miss that so much.

fuck this.

see y'all later.