sigh

i thought i'd lost the need to feel pain, to see my own blood. but here i am spinning out again. just when i think i'm stable again something happens. comparatively i thi9nk i'm doing okay. but tonight even my director noticed i was depressed, she talked to my father about it...maryah asked me in sign language if i was okay, will tried to cheer me up...i was so out of it all night. i dropped a decanter and spilled water on the stage. josh slipped on it and crashed into a chair. oops. i was a mess, unable to concentrate. i tried writing, but i couldn't even concentrate on that. this is what i wanted, kind of. no more uncertainty. so why am i so sad? i guess maybe i was hoping we could bitch at each other for a little while and then work it out. looks like the answer's definitely no.

i almost want to call maggie up. she'd know she was a rebound girl, but she wouldn't mind. she's a self-proclained player. i know nothing between us could ever be remotely serious, so maybe that's why i want it right now. i need something light, that i don't have to worry about being responsible for. i have her phone number memorized...mo's too...maybe i'll call both of them...i really do want to talk to mo.

fucking hell i'm a mess right now. i hate the fact that cutting has become a substitute for crying.it reconnects me, releases the pain. and as long as i can feel it, i know that i'm okay, that i'm still here, that i'm still real and not just the shadow i feel like.

and i know it's fucked up. and i know i should stop.

but somehow i'm worried about what will happen if i do.