once i thought she saw that we were two of a kind. once i thought that was enough. now does she see me at all? i watch the world go by, watch everyone sink and fall without saying a word. am i the only one who understands? i see so much.. march april may june i really thought there was something there. two like minds finally joined. was i hallucinating? imagining things? what went wrong? i don't want to spin out again because i know i'll lose everything. after she left i was fucked up, i cut myself and i didn't eat. i'd never really been like that before. and at the end, i came out stronger. more cynical. i am a new person and that's one thing she gave me. but i still wonder if she sees that i understand. that i am quiet because i am a watcher. i know. sometimes...sometimes...i wish things had turned out differently. i wonder what my life would be like. and the ache is still there. i still miss her. but what i miss is knowing that she knows i'm here. that she takes the time to notice my existence. that she recognizes that i see what she sees. i think about her every day, wondering what she's doing, if she's okay.

the world is such a strange place. so hard to navigate. and i know i can make it if i'm left alone but stupid people have to get in the way and drag me into it with their rules and regulations. they don't understand that without my freedom i will die, trapped in a cold hard world. i don't belong somewhere this rigid. i don't belong here. in more ways than one. i am not invisible but i feel it sometimes. i bump into people because i can't see where i am in relation to them. i rarely build myself into the complete picture i get from being the universal confidante. it's a strange role to play. i know my perception of myself is skewed, that something's wrong in my head, very wrong sometimes, but i am so removed from this world of pain. and numb, i'm still numb. and i don't really mind so much anymore. i wouldn't be who i am, see what i see, create what i create without this. i am not crazy. everyone else is for caring so much about what doesn't matter. i make sense. i am sane. so sane i scare myself sometimes. are we the only ones? i don't know. i want to find someone who understands, who sees all this too.

and still she doesn't see me.