good things about my house:
-more privacy
-no bedtime
-all my beautiful cats
-a garden full of fresh tomatoes

this is why, last night, when my mother asked me if i wanted to move out, i said no.

i never thought that would be my answer. i thought i'd jump at the chance to get the fuck away from her and this house and all the bad parts of being a kid. but i didn't. i sat there and thought about it...and i do love my mother, even though she really pisses me off a lot of the time (which she got right back do doing after this little epiphany) and i didn't want to hurt her by leaving because i don't want to make her cry and everything makes her cry...and i don't want to permanently move out. yet. until i have somewhere else i can stay up all night if i damn well please.

i'm thinking maybe i'll tell her i'm only coming back twice a week though. that's really all i can handle this place right now. tuesday and thursday, for ballet. i already pretty much have moved in with dad. all my clothes are up there, all that's left down here is my old stuff that i don't wear anymore, in piles all over my room with essays from middle school and stuffed animals and books i'll never read again.

that's not entirely true.

but it's getting harder and harder to deal with my mother as she comes unglued. that's the real reason i don't come home. i like the physical realities of the house...i just can't deal with the person living in it. as soon as i walk in the door after being gone for a week she expects me to empty the dishwasher or clean my room and i want to yell dammit mom it's my room i'll clean it if i like. why do you care? and why should i put away dishes i had nothing to do with?? i'd like to do something other that chores around here every once in a while. if i had my way, i'd do my own dishes and laundry and feed a few animals and life would be completely fair and nobody would need to complain. at least she can't bitch about my stuff being all over the house because I"M NOT HOME ENOUGH fOR THAT TO HAPPEN. then again she bitches at me about that so i guess it's not much of an improvement.

i still can't quite believe i said no to moving out.

i even said i'd be coming home more.

what's wrong with me?