hurrah for being in the middle. hurrah for solving situations that are not mine to solve. hurrah for telling caddie how in love with her i was. i never really told anybody everything, but i think she knows most of it now. hurrah for fixing our friendship, apparently pretty well. hurrah for getting people talking without bludgeoning either of them.

um, damn fucked situations.

but hurrah for talking. and being honest and hurrah for autry visiting.

but i feel like such a fundamentally bad person in some parts of my life simply because, apparently, i exist. i really don't know what to do for you. i don;t know what i want from you. all i want is to be there for you because obviously you need someone and i'm really worried...you were always there when i was losing it but now that i'm stable you're spiralling out of control. i love you. always. i hope you know that. and i want to talk. please tell me what's going on. and tell me what you want. because i will do anything for you. any time, any place, i will drop everything to be by your side.

somebody please tell me where i screwed up. because no matter what i do at this point i am going to hurt someone. for once my life is okay, but i feel like the smallest move i make will profoundly affect someone. i'm trying so hard to make you not invisible...but i don't know what to do. if i follow what i want to do in one case, i'll make it worse. but if i follow what i want to do regarding you, it will be a very strange stiff week trying not to be all ooh happy. i am a horrible person.

high school boys are goons.

you two: do i have to hit you over the heads? well one of you not so much. but the other one is being thick as a post. wake uuuuuuuuuup...

what else...basically i feel like a player, everything is fucked, my life is fine but other people's aren't. i like where i am personally, but what has it cost? and what will it cost?

i was reading some of your notes today. the typed one you gave me after you tried to ditch me and a couple other ones. and it hurt so much because i really have betrayed you. i've been such a dumbass so many times.

and caddie, i'm crying. i can't let you make any of the mistakes i made. and maybe it's impossible but blimey i'm going to try. because it really sucks.

i still have blue hair. i won't let any of you fall. you can lean on me all you like...i've been through so much that i can hold you up. i'm not worried about me anymore. all i need is to know that i have someone by my side, and that i can maybe make a difference. maybe i can help, maybe you need me...and maybe someday i'll need you just as much. but for now i'm stable, i'm steady, and i'm strong. just tell me what you need to get out.

lean on me when you're no strong, and i'll be your friend, i'll help you carry on, for it won't be long till i'm gonna need somebody to lean on.

six days. christ, i wish autry were here now.