you know what...i love you. i'm not pissed of anymore. i never really was. i'm insanely happy that you care enough to worry especially cuz i felt invisibe and i feel much less so cuz i know people care. the thing about influences and me is that i see i'm easily influenced and i can see all this stuff happening that i don't want to happen and the fact that it could happen so easily scares me like nothing else and strengthens my resolve not to let it happen. i've only broken down once and it screwed o much up and it will never happen again. no matter how much i may want it to because i can be strong if i want to and i'm going to. but thanks just the same.

i can see myself becoming a druggie and liking it but i don't want to be addicted and i don't need drugs so i won't. sometimes i really want to cut myself again to get out some pent up anger and make myself concentrate on something else but the two times i ever did were in early january and it hasn't happened since and it won't again. those are the two major things that terrify me, my ability to become so fucked up. it scares the shit out of me and yet at the same time i kinda like the idea.

however it's not going to happen because it's not worth it. all it does is get me in trouble.

i miss knowing exactly who i am and what i want, but that was a diffeent girl and though i'm confused, i like this girl much better.