fuck it all. i'm in serious academic burnout. how much longer can i force myself to care about this? my head feels like it's going to explode and i need some loud music on the stereo but my mother's sleeping. i've spent the past several days listening to save ferris and sublime and feeling generally disillusioned and out of it. life kinda sucks. i really want to time warp two weeks into the future past my i&s test and the stupid auction and everything else so i can have a few crazy fun days before everything falls back into this pattern. nothing is falling apart right now. it's oppressively cohesive, which is part of the problem. of course the pattern things fall into would have to be a slightly depressed and disillusioned one in which i feel like i'm looking in and wander around in a daze waiting to be woken up. i'm just going through the motions of school. doña's sending home a progress report (FUCK) and i feel like a dumbass for letting things slide becasue people actually do notice me and i should know that by now and i swore i'd reform and now i've disappointed everyone including myself and that pisses me off because i've failed again. i told them all to fuck off and i'd handle it and now they don't trust me because i blew my final chance. why do i keep doing this?

life really sucks if you stop and think about it. i've been finding myself thinking about sharp objects and staring compulsively at the scar on my hand i feeling like doing something but i'm not going to. no. i will not. it's destructive and gets me nowhere and makes me feel even worse. but i feel locked inside my head and in some ways that's even worse.

i really want someone to tell me they love me. or like me. or SOMETHING. just to shake up the order of my life right now. i need some scandal or action of some kind. a simple snog would suffice.. and maybe i'm not as spineless as i claim to be...although i only start things online (i am an online snog slut).

SNOG ME DAMMIT!

random side note...hedwig on the 28th, anyone?