would you believe me if i told you i was the sanest person in this place?

one small suggestion: NEVER visit me if you value what shreds of sanity you may have, because they won't last long around here. my mother is in her room in tears, my sister is depressed and hates the world, my father has commitment issues (maybe it's genetic) and that's just the superficial stuff. there's a reason i have to be independent. i can't depend on a single person in my family to be there for me. they're all too wrapped up in their separate problems to pay attention to me. after i got off the phone with you i had 'bridge over troubled water' stuck in my head so i came out and put the record on and i was standing there by the stereo listening and singing along and almost crying, i don't know why, when my mother walks by sobbing and tells me to turn it off. not wanting to aggravate matters, i complied. dammit. i only got to hear half the song.

i haven't cried in at least a month. there's no time. my mother always swore she would never do to me what her mother did to her and require comforting but lately more and more she's been demanding hugs and love and it bugs me. it's like i'm supposed to be somehow responsible. I AM THE FUCKING KID HERE. THIS ISN'T MY JOB. END OF STORY. GOT IT, MOM? i've become numb to the emotional hurricane around here. i just let it blow over me. self-preservation, i swear. all it could do for me is screw me up and stress me out more so i try not to let it get to me.

and you...you rock. i don't think i need to post any vague yous to you on here, but i just wanted to say...i don't know what i wanted to say. if i think of it i'll tell you.

i am so stressed for no reason at all. i'm tense and nervous and have a constant headache and can't sleep and i swear i'm running on pure adrenaline. i hate this. i felt so manic and possessed all day and while ballet got rid of a lot of the tension, it hasn't dealt with the mania. i feel so insane and drugged out. speaking of which...

her: you know who's hot? carl.
me:you know what he smokes? ...pat! (no that is not a typo...i know how to spell 'pot' and i typed 'pat' on purpose).

i am listening to pretty piano-like songs like 'bridge over troubled water' and 'wicked little town' and 'never was' and 'never saw blue like that.' hurrah. and the best part is that it's entirely at the whim of my computer. i think it's telepathic. like 97.3 picks up peter gabriel brain waves from me and carey. that was so funny...like the fact we were both listening on sunday afternoon when they played 'solsbury hill.' yay.

yesterday was such a september twenty-sixth and -seventh. and today...today was...today. i'm not sure what today was yet. but it was sunny and warmish and very springlike and we got in carey's car and drove to town and counrty which makes it a very...what day was that? i've forgotten the dat but i remember the day perfectly. it was the day we invented solsbury bug. today felt a lot like that. it also felt a bit like the day we drove around looking for the tea place and blasting music.

so, toni, was that enough of a post? i bet i could keep writing...

every state line there's a new set of laws
and every police man comes equipped with extented claws
there's a thousand shades of white
and a thousand shades of black
but the same rule always applies
smile pretty and watch your back
--'every state line', ani difranco