i've thought about school uniform for a total of thirty seconds in the past four days and i just realized that i don't have any, or that at least i don't know where any is. and i need to shave. and i don't know what schedule we're supposed to be on tomorrow. and i feel so unprepared to go back to school. i much prefer playing battleship with autry and hanging out with toni(who, fuck it all, is grounded again....noooooooo!) and going swimming (haha i think we need to have a party) and generally not worrying about school.

fuuuuck.

i am in absolutely no state to think about school. what i need right now is a long rest for my mind to rebuild itself. on the bright side i haven't even attempted to hurt myself with anything sharper than an incredibly dunn knife in almost a week now. dammit...mental instability and school really don't mix. i think i need a mental health month or something. it's not easy to rebuild after something like this. stupid fucking breakdown. of course it's my own darn fault, really. i got hurt too many times so i started filtering my thoughts and then the filtering system broke and i went off the deep end and here i am today, near the bottom of a very deep hole that i've dug moving upward [i think] and maybe, maybe, if luck is with me and nothing pushes me back down, i'll make it to the top. i feel so peaceful right now. peacfully deranged. my head hurts from thinking as i try to sort out the mess i've made. i have no fucking clue anymore who i like and don't. i don't know much of anything about myself. i want to do something really reckless to prove to myself that i still exist. i want to shock someone to prove i'm not invisible. i'm really not so sure about either of those tihngs. i feel sometimes like i could cease to exist and the majority of people i know would never notice the lack of me, toni's little shadow. i hate this. i really do. do i sound depressed and bitter? cuz i'm really not...just stuck in pondering. unproductive pondering. i'm getting nowhere.

results so far: i don't like anyone...but i don't know. it feels so asexual and clinical to not like anyone so i don't want those to be the results. i want an obsession, someone to stalk even if they are entirely unattainable. then again sometimes the perceived unattainable suddenly becomes much less so and things go screwy.

speaking of which i've figured out our problem, what really fucked everything up. it wasn't the mutual thing, it was the communication problem that followed. you didn't talk. i didn't talk. we weren't honest. with honesty it could have died and we'd be fine. two months of communication screwups...i've been thinkiung about this a lot lately because it really bothers me. i wish so much it had never happened or that we'd handled it better...but all i can do is look back and regret. i have no idea how to fix things but i feel like i should. for some reason with you i'm always afraid of looking or acting stupid, of being too clingy. i keep my distance because i don't know what else to do. when it comes to you i have the social skills or a rock. i guess i just have the social skills of a rock in general. i huess what this all boils down to is that i'm sorry, very sorry, for my part in the whole mess. i would go back and change things, but i can't, and i don't know how to make amends any more than i've already done.

i am so fucking sorry for anything i've done to anyone even if i don't know i've done it.