i've been really close to crying all day and i can't figure out why. it's one of those days when nothing seems to go right and everything that had been shakily holding up comes crashing down around me. i'm beginning to truly doubt my sanity. my tech crew is having a collective nervous breakdown and i'm getting dragged into it. being the glue that holds this show together is starting to wear on me and i just want to go aaway, to say 'you're on your own now' but i know if i do that it will fracture into a million tiny pieces and i hate being the one stuck in the middle and i hate having to be responsible for everyone. why do i do this? i think i'm a bit of an emotional masochist....

i can't hold together a show and a family at the same time. my father's moving out for a month (where have i heard that one before?) and suddenly i'm this crazy combination of 7-year-old and adult. i am seven years old because this reminds me so exactly of what happened then. it's a terrifying nightmare, a flashback to a time i have tried to permanently forget. i blame myself for my family's current state. don't give me that 'it's not your fault' shit. this time it really is my fault. i'm the one who woke up mum last monday, got her to go talk to dad. i am the reason dad was pissed off in the first place. mneh. i feel like shit.

i want to go away forever.