thanks to the wonders of ip trackers, i now know that the person my 11/6 entry was directed to read it. but i don't have any email. was i not obvious enough? or is person purposely not emailing me? fuck it all. i'm too scared to just walk up to person and ask her. stupid.

and it really has been a year. it's odd to think that a year ago i was just figuring out i wasn't straight, i didn't really know car3y, caddi3, t4mar, t0ni, jian, p4z (the list goes on)...my hair was blonde and i was a person who now scares me. and yet i still don't feel like i'm being who i truly am. there are some times i feel entrely me, like when i'm twirling in the rain, staring at the sky, or when i'm walking around the circle alone, singing. i am an insecure, insignificant, invisible person hidden inside a tough shell of craziness. i fell different than i look. i am not who i am. there are too many mes to keep track of and i don't know which is the real one. i can't even sort out my feelings. it's like i feel i should or shouldn't like this person and therefore i do or don't. i've liked one person that not everybody else liked and that started unconsciously, before i even considered it to be possible. likig someone like that is a strong drug, just being near them makes you dizzy. makes it hard for you to think. why did i? i don't know. and i can't figure out if i still do. it's almost like i can't fathom being over it so i persuade my mind i'm not. but you don't dream about people you're not over. granted, that was a while ago. but...i'm sorry. things are fucked up and i want to fix that. so if you think you are the one that's directed at, please email me, like i asked. please. because maybe the truth about whether it's all in my head will help me clear all this up...

i haven't been able to concentrate on anything for about three hours now. there's a one-line email sitting here on my screen. all i need to do is hit the send button. eegh. to send or not to send, that is the question.

why the hell would someone like me?