friday really scared me. i never thought i'd do that. i was the most depressed i'd been in a long time and i'm sorry. i never will again.

i think i prefer to think i can handle pain only when it's accidental.

i don't know quite what happened. i sat there and watched myself. i wasn't actually doing anything...but i have the scratch on my hand to prove that i was.

somebody slap me, please.

but the box of happiness pulled me at least part way out and sitting in a tree singing 'the scotsman' loudly did most of the rest...thank you so much. there's still some lingering depression and a shitload of confusion but i'm doing a lot better.

don't let me anywhere near drugs right now, please. i think this llieking teh smell of pot smoke thing is definitely bad. this is the first time in my life i've actually seriously wanted to get high and escape things. i think if there were drugs around right now my i'm-never-going-to-do-drugs-ness would crumble. it really scares me.

i need to stop second-guessing myself. my mind tells me something and i promptly rationalize my way out of whatever it says. and i don't know how to stop. i've been doing it for too long. it's a control thing. i have to have control. i can't control anything else so i have to control my thoughts, but they've started to fight back. i think not being able to reason out of things in my head so easily triggered friday. things have been building for a while and friday i cracked. i hate who i've become with a passion but i don't know who that is and i don't know what i want to be.

i compulsively look at my left hand about every five minutes. disbelief at what i did, i think.

of course the one day i'm horribly depressed has to be the one day i wear the pants i have to hold up with a safety pin. i didn't go to the bathroom intending to cut on myself. i don't know why i ended up doing just that. my hand moved without much mental guidance at all. i just sat there and watched. i didn't think i was capable of hurting myself.

but i'm better now. i think.

just a little bit scared.