i have much to say but no way to say it. i go through these phases of feeling and seeing and being unable to put it into words. but this weekend was a great one.

::sigh:: driving around with car3y listening to america was the first thing in months to make me want my license. that night i talked to my parents about it at dinner and flat-out asked them if i could have the vw. surprise surprise, they said no. not safe enough. DAMN IT ALL. my dad's old vw is the ultimate shaggin wagon and i desperately want to drive it becaus it kicks ass. it's this 1964 volkswagen bus, painted blue-green and white, double-window with a bed in the back. original black-and-yellow license plate, AVA 692. hence her name, ava. i love that car. i want that car. i can't have that car.

i've had this fantasy of inheriting my dad's bus since i was little. i hoped that maybe if i proposed to my parents that i would save up money and get ava fixed, take good care of her and be a really good driver, they'd let me have her. i guess i knew all along it wouldn't happen. dad's reasons for not driving ava anymore were safety and pollution, and i can see his point, but of course he's not going to give me a car that is still just as unsafe and unclean.

damn it all. i want to hop in a car and just drive. sometimes when i grab the car keys off the hook by the door to get something out of the car, i get to the car and have this urge to get in the driver's seat, turn on the car, and drive away. i've driven before, just not very far or fast. i want to drive down an open road singing along to the radio. i want to go on a road trip. i love the warmth and stuffiness of a car in the sun, i love the road noise and the engine noise and i just want to go, to get away, to leave. i don't want to be here. i don't want to have a spanish project due tomorrow. i am confused and i want to get away right now. my father isn't home. i wonder if i could dig up a key to ava and go see if she starts. i'm really tempted to.