here not to laugh but to learn

i spend a lot of time wondering what exactly my life is, why it is that way, am i right in thinking what i think about it, how do other people see me, what do they think my life is like, why do i get unhappy when i do, why do i spend so much time being unhappy when all logic states i shouldn't be, and just what goes on in other people's heads.

especially the last one.

what do people think? how do they feel? how does the world look to them? what do they see when they look at me? am i as invisible as i feel? does everyone feel this way? just how strange am i? what is reality? is something off in my head? i think so, but i do't know. all i have are my own perceptions and for all i know they are the same as those of everyone else. i am just another insecure high school student who knows the answers in class and sleepwalks through life, never picking up on enough clues to make a working picture of the world i inhabit and always analyzing everything around me. what am i? who am i? where and why and how am i?

why do people like me? sometimes i see it and sometimes i dont, some morning i wake up and decide that, while i am not the ugliest person ever born i am pretty goddamn close and i hate the shape of my face the way my hair wont behave maybe i shouldnt have cut it what did i even look like back then my eyes are okay but im breaking out so i throw on the same dirty school uniform and slog off to class. then some days i look in the mirror and im pretty, as pretty as the people i like, for once i have a chance and my eyes look good like that and my skins not that bad and my hair looks pretty cool and my face is a nice shape and i remind myself of every girl ive ever fallen for in some minute way.

if you know me, you probably know the second type of day is awfully rare.