your love rides on a desert wind

you. loved. me. once.

now here i am im cold im running a fever and im thinking.

i've been sick. pardon me if i've been bitchy lately. or not very interesting. my brain is shot. in that 'i can't string two words together' way, not that 'i'm going crazy so i can write' kinda way. seems i can only write when my sanity is on holiday.

not leaving the house for three days leaves me more that enough time to think. my mind wanders and goes places i don't necessarily want it to go but what does it care? it'll go there anyway if it wants to.

there's a lot i mean to say if i know how to say it.

telling me about tomorrow and how a heart can love again

there's a niche carved out in my heart for every person i've ever cared about. and that's a shitload of people. if we've ever had a meaningful interaction on any level i guarantee you're in there. there's a box sitting next to me. my box of special stuff. and because i am in a horrible emotionally masochistic mood:

first off there's the box itself. it's from the steel-toes i bought while on a shopping expedition in sanfran with toni (awwww toni) and brooke. toni's not talking to me right now. which is sad. of course she's also told me to call her a couple of times. which i haven't done because i'm sorta annoyed that she's not talking to me. plus my voice hurts. so poo.

okay. box contents.

a green envelope, addressed upside down, from kat (taussig not adams) postmarked july first, 2003. [note that most of contents did not actually come from kat]. contains a black and white picture of autry drinking a can of minutemaid stuff, another picture of her...prom-type-thing i think, a letter i wrote her right after she left and never sent. know what? because i'm just so crazy i'm going to post it.

july 6, 2003
hey girl. i just got home from work. hm, that's fun to say. i just got home from work. i don't know quite why i'm writing to you...except that i've got so many questions. so much i want to know. do you still love me? i don't care if it's not romantic anymore...it doesn't have to be. i'm not sure i even want it to be...but i never want to lose you. you're such an amazing girl and i know if you try you can be anythin you want.

i'll never forget you. you taught me how to feel again, whether or not you realized it. you were the one person i could count on to understand all the screwed up shit in my head. i don't know how i would have gotten through without you.

you always said you'd never love any of the girls as much as you loved me and i believed you. even as i felt things changing, as i started to doubt, i believed in you. i never wanted to be just another girl in your life...but i guess that's how it worked out. i never wanted you for a relationship, i never wanted to be another girlfriend. i wanted the closeness, the connection, even when you were so far away. that's what i don't want to lose.

am i just another broken heart to add to your list?

i keep rereading the note you gave me, wondering about it. i want to believe it's true, that you meant it...but i wonder when you changed your mind about us. i started crying a little bit in the booth today. i hope i haven't lost you completely...after everything we've had, does it come down to this?

so i guess i'm okay...or at least getting better. it's been less than a week and already i'm tired of being sick and sad. logically, i think it's better this way...friends last much longer than lovers, in general...but i'm still sad for what we've lost.

i guess not all my dreams can come true.

if you still want me to, i'm coming up there sometime in august. get back to me on that so we can work out timing...

it's fun being special...but i guess it just wasn't meant to be.

i love you and hope things are going relatively okay.

love, iris

i never sent it. i never went up there. eventually we started talking again though i stil don't know the answer to a single question i have about the whole thing. and yes, i dwell. i dwell like there's no tomorrow, when in fact there is a tomorrow. there's always more to come. but i'd still have to say that of everyone i've met, this girl changed my life the most. in a few ways. by loving me. then by leaving me. she screwed me over in more ways than i thought possible. but eventually the aftermath turned me into who i am. she made me look at the world in a different way. and when love leaves, there's always something left behind. she's got a big place in my heart. and maybe i'll never know her side of the story. but life goes on.

the story of this green envelope is that for a month or so after autry left i carried it around in my bag and when i had nothing better to do or was feeling sad, i'd open it up and start flipping through what was in it. rereading and analyzing and wondering.

then i thought i lost it. for a really long time.

about a month ago i went on a massive cleaning binge and found it again. and looked through it again. and it's all still there. but i don't feel the need to carry it with me everywhere.

back to what's in it.

the birthday note. yeah, that. given to me right before i kissed her for the last time. which i didn't, by the way, know was the last time. it's a really sweet note. which is one reason it hurt so much to read and reread. dammit, i really go for the emotional masochism sometimes.

and then there's the ridiculously amazing AWESOME birthday card kat made me. which is what originally came in the envelope. seriously, it is the best thing ever. and makes me laugh.

and there's a romeo and juliet rehearsal schedule from when i stage managed that. which was crazy. suddenly being a stage manager involves not only holding the whoel show together, but tracking down cast members in psych wards [which, by the way, was so worth it. you rocked as paris, erica. plus you just kick arse. and talking to you for however many hours on the phone was so good. because you are cool to talk to.] that was the show that magically worked.

all you need is love...love is all you need

i wish i could still believe it, doll.

i've been conducting a survey since i started writing this. about what people's opinions on love are. some results so far:

alana: i think i feel it for lots of people who do not feel the same way about me, and i think it's dangerously powerful. i think a lot more, too, i just dont feel like talking for hours right now.

gabe: it does exist. it can last. and it's... a feeling. i don't like making it any more complicated than that, besides the fact that it can make a man or destroy him.

kylie: i don't believe in love at first sight, but i do believe in love. but i know that it takes a really long time for it to develop.

dana: it exists, but rarely in the typical sense. i think it's impossible to define, and different for everyone. it can last, but rarely does. it makes a lasting impression in a person's life. i don't know, it's hard to describe. you're talking to someone who falls in love with the wrong people..

josie: haha, hell if i know, I haven't really fallen in love yet i dont think. i think it can exist, and i hope it can last.

i want to know what goes on in people's heads.

i started this entry really wanting to rant at someone. and i didn't. i talked about other stuff instead. which is probably good. because that rant can wait util i talk to her again. or maybe it won't happen. one thing i will say? i am sick of people who have no business doing so acting like they're all mature and grown up and better than me and shit. that's right, bitch, you have no business there. maybe you've done more drugs and slept with more people (which in no way entitles you to call me a slut) and have a horde of girls telling you you're hot shit, but all that means is that sometimes you can be kinda full of it. maybe life hit you sooner, but that doesn't mean it didn't hit me. and i have drawn my own conclusions. you have always done this to me, tried to be the advisor, and maybe that act works on some people but i'm sick of it.

you know what else i'm sick of? people assuming you're the original kitty.

maybe i should stop talking before i say something i'll really regret.