It's March. I'm not sure quite why that scares me but I think it has something to do with the impending end of the year and how much I don't want to leave. The closer summer is the closer next year is the closer their graduation is and so forth. It scares me. I'm truly crap at keeping in touch with people unless they're right next to me. I've lost contact with so many people over the years I wish I still talked to and I don't want that to happen to any of you. I want to still be friends with you through college till I'm eighty or so. I don't want to be like my mother who has no friends, who doesn't even know what happened to all her high school and college friends. I've sworn that will never be me. Ever. Last March…I still wasn't much a part of things in general but I remember birthday week. I don't remember that much about march. I was obsessed with Stephanie Rogan, pissed off at my entire family and plotting to run away to Castro with Tamar (something we never did). I'd just come out to my mother the week before and didn't know what was going to come of that…which means I've been out to her for a year now. Huh. This time last year I was dating Alan…until the 23rd when I cheated on him then broke up with him a week later. In March I had my first real kiss and Rogan cut her hair. By then (thanks to Toni) I was out to my sister too. That's all that's in my journal and I don't remember much of anything else, except it must've been before that the Teddy Graham incident happened cuz she still had hair then…a lot happened last March and I guess I'm either worried that this March will be different or that it will be the same. I also went to my first show last March. It was this crazy month of change that I'm not sure I want to go through again and…I still don't know why I'm scared that it's March. I should be writing a Macbeth essay right now but I haven't even dug out the topics and I really don't feel like doing literary analysis right now because it feels llike summer outside and even though I'm stuck in a concrete box I shouldn't have to do homework. It's fucking summer! Maybe that's why March scares me…because it feels like summer and summer means everyone goes away ::sigh::. Anyway…it feels like summer and summer means I should be outside dancing and playing and I don't know what. Mner…lala…I just lost my train of though, but this hasn't had much logic so why do I need it? I want it to stay exactly the same way it is right now because for once I don't think I have bad issues with anyone right now (unless there's something I don't know…if there is please tell me) and it's all good and I like being so at peace with everything and yet something bugs me. I still always feel like the odd one out no matter what. Even though I know I'm not. I guess I have some kind of inferiority complex or something because when I'm with you all and we're driving around and such I feel so much a part of it all and I love it and I couldn't want anything more and I have the greatest friends ever and I feel like you guys feel the same way but then when I stop and think about all of us and everyone else's relationships I still feel like I don't belong at all even with Toni and I guess that could be one thing that screwed things up before cuz I feel like I could go away and no one would care. My dad's listening to the Capitol Steps The make be so insanely happy. Wondrous political satire. they're really having fun with Dubya and everything else but somehow it makes me sad because it reminds me of my childhood which reminds me of my parents which makes me sad. Automatically. It reminds me of New Year's when they would play midnight concerts every year. I miss those days…what I like to think of as the Good Old Days even though they really weren't so good. I was a kid and I didn't understand ninety percent of the sings but I still loved them and I was too young to understand anything that was going on within the family too. I know now that my dad was abusive and my mother an emotional wreck but I was just a happy little kid going about my homeschooled business, staying in my pajamas all day and playing outside whenever I felt like it. Yup, life was good. I still don't know how I learned enough to be put ahead a grade because I hardly ever worked…I just somehow learned things. I was a bookworm so I learned from reading…my dad taught me Chem, mum taught me Bio, but it never felt like I was being forced to learn. Maybe that's why I remembered it so easily. I learned physics practically and played with schience in the kitchen and worked in my mum's garden and raised the animals and owned a book called 'Where Do Babies Come From.' Life was easy. The hardest thing in my young life was moving from San Jose to Morgan Hill and almost as soon as we moved I was madly in love with my new surroundings. There were two and a half acres to explore and huge walnut trees to play in. I wonder how lonbg I could go on like this, stream of consciousness writing. I've already written almost a page single spaced and I'm still supposed to be writing a macbeth essay. Haha. I probably could've mad a lot of progress by now but I'm feeling too fucking nostalgic and optimistic to do homework. Homework depresses me. Dad lent me this sci-fi book (which I think I'll go read soon) in whichthey end up extensively quoting Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I miss being involved in a show. I hate not having rehearsal to go to after school and I miss the excuses to spend excessive amounts of time with you (I'm on the second page now) not that I need one…yeah…I spend that much time with you anyway but I love being in charge of a show and teching and hanging out ith the chapel and making stickers. I should probably stop and go work but I really really don't want to. I wnt to be outside because it's so beautiful out there and It's impossible to focus in conditions like these. Tonight I'm going to a concert with my dad, a John McCutcheon concert. I idolized him when I was a kid, knew the words to all of the songs by heart. We went to see him every time he played andtwice I go to go onstage and sing with him. There are still pictures somewhere and a tape of me singing 'kindergarten wall' with him. Once again, nostalgia. I always went with my best friend for years and years. Terra and I haven't talked in a long time, since last July fourth. We used to be inseparable and so similar it sometimes scared me. Both homeschooled, both blonde, both obsessed with laura ingalls wilder and everything else…it was so great. Then she started school and rapidly became one of the popular kids and she started to change. All of a sudden evryhting I did was stupid…just kidding. I was dumb…just kidding. She hated me…just kidding. It was awful. She said horridly bitchy stuff…and then was 'just kidding.' Every time. It started to piss me off. Then she stopped writing me letters. Stopped calling. So I gave up. She's such a bitch now, and a ditz. She's your standard santa cruz blonde chick with a million friends and a boyfriend…actually I don't know about the boyfriend thing, but she's boy crazy. It's hard for me to remember she's a sophomore now because for a while when I was eleven or so it seemed like she was so much older than me but now it seems like the opposite, that I'm so much older than her. The sad part is that I miss her, but not how she is now. I miss how she used to be. Oh well, some things have to fall by the wayside, even best friends when they drop you like something smelly. She is the one who ditched me so I'm not about to go crawling back. She drives me crazy and I don't need her. I have Toni and everyone else…but there's still that nagging guilt for not even trying to get back in touch with her. I should stop. I really should. But somehow I cant. when will the word stop flowing when will the relentless wind stop blowing me back to you….there are no truths here but there are no lies and I am not afraid but I cannot look you in the eye… this is probably the most truthful I've ever been with anyone. I never tell the whole truth unless forced to. I am inherently untruthful. A compulsive liar most of the time. Chances are what I've actually told you is true but there's a lot more I haven't. maybe I'm not a liar per se, more a hider. I am silent a lot of the time because ei just don't feel like talking, then when I do talk I spill all. I don't know where any of this is going. I want to find out when allette brooks is back in town but I couldn't get the internet connection on this computer to work which means I'm essentially screwed when it come to actually posting thins which I really want to do. Know what…I'll try again. Off to see in connection is working, then I will post this. And it's working. Yay. And there was much rejoicing.