i'm living. every morning i wake up feeling hungover and exhausted, i hang around my dad's apartment listening to loud music and playing solitaire with my naked men cards. at some point i eat maybe, maybe get fed up and add to my scar collection [i'm stopping, really]. call popcorn a few million times to check the time due to lack of clock. do some laundry. walk. every time i walk for more than twenty feet recently i get this huge cramp in my side and it hurts like hell. ouch. i'm turning into a falling-apart old lady. oh well...i've been walking a lot anyway. the other day will drove me home from work and i left a note for dad and took a walk...i must've looked really strange, a teenager dressed in black wandering down the middle of the street, stopping on a manhole cover to stare up at the moon. my life is a blur. i snuck onto the roof of an office building and walked around in the dark, carrying two cream-colored roses, with another flower stuck behind me ear. i felt like i could have flown if i wanted to...i didn't want to go back home. anyway, at some point in my routine i walk. and end up on a bus. i have a bus pass again now, always a good thing. and eventually i end up at work, usually pretty early. and i run lines with neva so that with any luck she won't screw up too badly and i go to the booth and put on my music and stealsome food from concessions and when will shows up we sit in the booth talking and playing egyptian war and crazy eights and after the show my dad shows up and there's time for one song in the car before we get home. we get home and i pull off my shoes and lay out my bedding and crawl into bed. and then i do exactly the same thing the next day. i've been journalling a lot, partly due to lack of computer at my dad's. maybe some day i'll post some of it. my writing has been getting slowly more neurotic, shooting off on random tangents. sometimes i start writing so fast it's almost illegible and other times i painstakingly for every letter. there's something seriously wrong inside my head. it comes and goes, driving me to the brink of cracking. i will survive. i will survive. that's not really in question right now. i know i'll never kill myself, the world is too beautiful sometimes. i don't want to leave a scar. but living and dying don't seem so different right now. i shiver for no apparent reason. it's not cold. my mind is open to everything, reading signs from the world. i see you. i see inside. don't be afraid. but please help me...i don't know what to do. i want someone to care for me as much as i care for them.. i want someone to see me. i'm fading into the background again. getting fuzzy around the edges. i see eyes following me as i walk but i don't care about them. they don't really see me...they see just another scarred hardened teenager.

::sigh::

oh, go look at my birthday pictures. more to come soon.