i hate this. my blog isn't letting me publish so i don't know why i'm writing. poo.

being back at school today is weird. i never had a weekend at all. just now i was thinking about lunch and though 'what did we have for lunch yesterday?' and then i realized that yesterday wasn't a schoolday.

toni and i have disowned each other. mneh. life was really good all weekend but now all of a sudden it kinda sucks. ick. i'm so disjointed and unhappy and apparently i sound like a broken record. it's true. i say the same things over and ovcer and it bugs me cuz i never know what else to say and i end up sounding dumber than i really am. ::sigh::.

on the bright side i'm going to carlmont this afternoon with the other fomfers for the judging. hurrah.

kathryn- i figured it out just by reading through it. very easy. i think i'll write you one.

is it safe to look within
and erase all that's been
and all that's been between
is it gone
tell me what went wrong
cuz baby i'm not that strong
and i'm walking wounded
all alone

are you comforatble and numb
did they all succumb to all those lies
does it satisfy the greed
is it all you need
is it all you want
well baby i'm not that strong
and i'm walking wounded
all alone

if your memories do stray
then they betray all that's passed
and all that's been between
is it gone
tell me what went wrong
yes baby i'm not that strong
and i'm walking wounded
all alone

how does it feel?

(thank you, caddie)

i'm really annoyed at you. you're the queen of keeping me guessing, keeping me begging for your friendship. i'm sick of being disowned, having my friendship in jeopardy, being told that i'm a broken record. if this isn't obvious i don't know what is. i know i should talk to you but i can never find anything to say when i talk. i feel boring and repetitive and completely unwelcome. sometimes you open up and i think you really cae and it almost makes me cry because i do care about you but other times i couldn't matter less to you. i am an annoyance and i'm sick of it. if you're going to ditch me please just bloody get on with it. it would hurt like hell but i'd get over it. this state of permanent limbo is painful and won't end. i think that's all i have to say right now.

and if that post on your blog was about me, i'm sorry if i act like that. i see it and i hate it and i try to change but i never ever know what to do.

fuck life.

the soundtrack to my life right now is the awesome mix caddie made me. i love it. it makes me insanely happy every time i listen to it. it's like prozac for the financially challenged :).