dude...it worked! i love you guys...you make me so happy. and cool people are reading i didn't know were reading which was kinda the point and it makes me happy. you made my day.

today was...odd. somehow nothing fit together quite right. it was iris-is-perpetually-in-trouble day. grar. i got in trouble in english for talking to ni...spent break cramming for a chem test...couldn't find my calculator in chem...got in trouble in spanish for not doing my homework (doña gave me a talking to about how i would have to improve that if i ever wanted to be in spanish four...intro i got in trouble for writing notes to toni...lunch and conference were relatively trouble-free but in think someone was talking to rainbow today and i missed it...then long p.e. in which i went to bat for mar's right to a p.e. exemption for eleven hours of dance a week (too bad logic doesn't work on burrows...long talk with mar and ni during p.e....then puzzle club (i'm sorry caddie!) at which i ate food and did a puzzle and was a bit discontented for no reason at all. and school was over, ni went to soccer, and i went to the library and was unproductive. the sparkle is beginning to wear off around the edges of my life. it feels so flat and dull, which is why i'm happy for a little scandal (and you're right, kathryn), but this somehow doesn't feel like me. i don't know why. i have swan dive and i am a rock stuck in my head and i can feel my mood spiralling into apathy and depression. i hate this. i want something to happen. i hate what i've become. i don't know what i've become. i can't figure it out but whatever it is i don't like it.

::sigh:: i really don't know what is wrong with me. i should be happy. things shouldn't get me down but they do.

fuck my parents. i don't know how much more of this i can take. it's been bothering me more and more as time goes on and i want to scream 'don't drag me into this!' but i know i can't. maybe i'm being a bitch to both of them but they're acting like five-year-olds. i'm not supposed to be the responsible one. i'm not very good at it. fuck it all.

my head hurts. it really does. i almost want to get sick and not go to school but that would also kinda suck cuz i'd be stuck here with mum.i don't think there's anything tomorrow i really don't want to miss besides being with you guys. right now there is no point to my life except being with my friends. despite my recent and somewhat unsuccessful academic reform, i don't give a damn about my classes. it's another façade i'm putting up to stay out of trouble. they mean nothing to me. my family serves only to drive me slowly bonkers. my friends are all i have left and if you read this you're on the list. this is to all of you. you are my reason for existence. should i be worried that my life has no other point? mybe. i'm dissatisfied with something right now but it's definitely not you guys, i think it's more my lack of creative anything and increasing feeling of being a shadow that people put up with for no apparent reason, while at the same time that image should logically ne shattered intoa million pieces. that's why coming home and seeing all those responses to my roll call made me happy. it made me feel less like i was talking to thin air, less invisible.

i want to be unconscious for a while and have everything solve itself. i'm getting confused again.

i've had a lack of inhibition
i've had a loss of perspective
i've had a little bit to drink
and it's making me think
that i can jump ship and swim
that the ocean will hold me
that there's got to be more than this boat i'm in

they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance i need is one in a million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me
moving at the speed of sound
i'm just going to get my feet wet
until i drown

i teeter between tired
and really really tired
i'm wiped and i'm wired
guess that's just as well
i built my own empire
out of car tires and chicken wire
i'm queen of my own compost heap
and i'm getting used to the smell