lay me down

toni called me today. twice. and it hit me like a ton of bricks that i miss her i miss the way we used to be i miss the hours on the phone the giggly sleepovers the fact that her mom and brother recognised my voice. ...how lame does my life seem to her? she always asks whether i have any friends if i do anything. i do, but i'm not sure they're things the new toni would understand. things like staying at the theater till three am with jan and neil growing progressivle silly. the fact that work is social. the attachment to me that all the sjsc actors seem to have developed. suddenly being on equal coworker footing with a former teacher. driving all over at insane hours of the night. watching boondock saints and drinking grapefruit soda. climbing a hill in the middle of the night with only my cell phone for light just to look at the stars. the complete hilarosity associated with sugar packets. incense and books late at night in my room. ed wood film nights with my neil and my family. the fact that neil is the person i've seen and talked to most lately, largely because we've spent the summer so far working together. my life is fairly beautiful. i'm single and happy and nursing the hope that soon a dreamwill come true. a whirlwind trip to the mojave desert with my father to watch the first manned civilian space launch. the power thrill of being able to create clothes from original designs. tech and lighting and college and all the possibilities unfolding and i'm by no means the happiest person on earth but i'm also not the basket case you'd paint me to be. do you see? do you understand? i'd like to think you care. you know it's difficult for me to open up and talk. i answer questions but i don't volunteer information. but please. please god. i want to tell you so much. so much of what has happened in the time we haven't been talking. you've missed a huge chunk of my life. and i've missed a huge chunk of yours.

call me back. ask me some questions. we'll talk. maybe i'll stop trivializing the important things in my life. yeah, and maybe hell will freeze over too.

but you've got to trust the fact that i want to open up, i just don't know how. i fell like an idiot when i talk about myself - one of my worst fears is being egotistical and selfcentered.

i need to talk before i explode but if i try i'll freeze up and lauygh this all off and say it's not important, nothing's happened, i'm fine.

only you'll know now i'm lying.