i'll fly away

so close to out - my last class before spring break ended at one, then advisory at one twenty-five, and now a long free during which i could technically leave, then puzzle club. free. freedom. i've been waiting. school is so oppressive, so exhausting, requiring so much more energy and concentration than i'm willing to expend. the admin has reached a point of flat-out hatred, which can be really difficult in a school this small. so what if i'm flamboyant and have a blue mohawk? that's no reason to yell at me for being 'combative' or 'not caring about anything in the castilleja community except drama.' that's such bollocks. it's hard to pull an a+ in math without caring [never mind that that's exactly what i do]. i hate it when people judge me at face value and refuse to take into consideration what i actually think and feel and do.

i miss reid.

it's easy to take someone for granted when they're here, to get annoyed at them for little ridiculous things, to take care of them because you care just that much, and then they leave and there's this huge hole where they were. and you wonder if you were a little more hardassed, if you did something slightly different, maybe it wouldn't have happened.

there's a hole in my life.

a lot of them, really. i'm like a christmas snowflake, with all these little bits carved out of me. i care too easily and too much. someone like alix who i barely got to know. holes. huge holes. i'm falling apart.

it's spring break. will it make or break me? tomorrow i go vamp. vamped out for my girl. my girl. a funny thing to say. this is my longest relationship ever, which isn't saying much. i'm writing you a letter inside my head...

my head hurts because i don't know what to do with myself, with my life, where i'm going. i know but i don't know. i hate high school and almost everything involved with it - it's turned into one long nightmare and i'm losing sight of the other side. all i want is to get through.

kissing and missing. wishing. hoping. wanting. needing. hurting. eyes dry, head sore, heart sick. heartsick. get me out.