across the great divide

i've been walking in my sleep
counting troubles instead of counting sheep
where the years went i can't say
i just turned around and they'd gone away

i honestly don't knwo how it's possible for me to be this tired. every time i close my eyes if i don't focus really hard i drift into that state where i'm hearing eveything but i'm never sure how much is real and i don't remember any of it when i open my eyes. the last time i was this far gone was the first twenty-four hour plays when i went for eighty-one hours with essentially no sleep - and i definitely haven't done that lately. piles of homework loom ahead of me as i attempt to pull myself out of the giant hole i've once again dug. it's too much to face. too much when i can barely keep my eyes open. i'm sleepwalking. although apparently i get better at playing the guitar when i have little to no idea of what's going on around me - suddenly chord changes are natural and fingering is easily encoded and a sing i tought myself two night ago is firmly recorded. music is life. i could be happy forever if i were turned loose with a guitar. interpersonal interaction has gone the way of the devil. i can't be bothered. or i fail to notice. or something. somehow that's always the first thing to go. i'm tired and the sky is grey and outside the world is soft and cold and beautiful and i can feel my toes poking through the ends of my socks. my bible is open next to me and i ought to be writing [i am writing, but not about joseph] instead of attempting to capture in words the strange way i feel. sad, tired, worn out, stretched too thin - somehow they don't quite sum up this feeling. this feeling of being fundamentally sick of living. this feeling of eveything being too big, too much, too soon. or too far away. maybe i'm glad all of you are gone because i'm much more inclined to communicate like this than in person. and i miss you more than i'm mad, and i love you more than i'm sad and music is the only thing holding me together.

what scares me is that while you're telling me stories
you actually believe that they are real