wobbly stars

something in life feels fundamentally strange. i orbit people...damn bell i'll finish this later.

[later:

i should probably stop using physics as a metaphor for life, but at nine am it seems very profound. and also makes a lot of sense. my logic runs something along these lines: everyone affects everyone else. even if it doesn't necessarily feel like it. in the grand scheme of things, we are all very inconsequential. and yet even something very small has an effect on everything around it.

this is all i was really paying attention to in class this morning.

i've been talking a bit more lately. i still don't like how my voice sounds, or what i say, but whatever, i was tired of silence. my voice gets rusty when i don't use it. and talking is nice. whether it's finally calling kamilla back or getting up the nerve to call mo and robin (which i intend to do soon) i'm trying not to retreat so far from people.

it's hard. it goes against what i fundamentally am. but each time i am seized by a fit of madness and pick up the phone something small changes inside me. maybe slowly i am crawling out of my hole.

i guess i'll just have to cross my fingers and wait.

what would i be without the secrecy, the hiding, the constant feeling of inadequacy? i act crazy to hide it all. it's just another facade. and i don't knwo what i am under all the layers, but i know there's something there and i think i'm getting closer to reaching it. every day i feel a little bit more sure of myself, more certain i am what i want to be. i caught sight of myself in a mirror at work on saturday and for a split second didn't recognize who i was seeing. maybe it's just being more sure of myself, knowing that at least sometimes i know what i'm doing. but i like what i see.

and maybe i may not always think i'm pretty or even worth looking at, but so what? people always seem to come along when i feel like the ugliest thing alive and snap me out of that. kamilla did that, the day i met her. i'm trying to do better at this, at everything.

and i think i'm finally more or less at peace with myself.]