touchatouchatouchatouchme

i'm in crazy psycho hellweek mode, nearly unable to keep up this pretense of normal teenagerdom that i had gotten better at. yesterday i was walking back to school from town and country and i saw a pine cone and started kicking it along into the underpass and then i waited till the perfect time and kicked it as hard as i could so it hit the passenger window of a speeding car and then i kept walking and this maniacal highpitched little giggle bubbled up from inside of me and i didn't recognise it, had never heard it before and i felt like some escaped psycho walking down the street and giggling. giggling shrill and strange like some sort of crazy cartoon character. i make less and less sense. or the world makes less and less sense to me. i fly above it with the birds and i saw a pigeon get run ove rthe other day and i'm never on the ground, i'm lying on the floor four stories high in the corridor between the asphalt and the sky, pressed to the floor because i know if i make one little move i will fall, fall, fall, and who knows where i will land, if i'll be alive at the bottom of the fall, but days like today make me want to fling myself off the precipice because flying is falling and forgetting to hit the ground, falling with style, if something distracted me on the way down i could soar off into the clouds, high above everything. i found shane's livejournal and it's painful to read because it reminds me so much of how i beat myself up after autry left and i just want to give him a big hug. and say eventually somehow things will be okay. because i know how hard it is to believe that but it's true. i miss a lot of people right now, nearly everyone because i am not connecting anymore, my voice sounds strange because i use it so little. i miss lauren, my dreadlocked beauty, ani lover, locked in maine. i miss portia, even though we've only really met once, because she's cool and i want to get to know her better. i miss my sexy russian girl, in the middle of her own hell week at school. i miss caddie, because we haven't sat down and talked lately. i miss carey, because we never never talk enough anymore. i miss paz and brad because i spent so much time with them during roju and miss rides in brad's car with good music, dinners at paz's house, mad teching, etc. i miss autry because we talked again and i realized how much i want to see her. i miss kat because we don't have hours-long conversations anymore, or haven't lately. and there are a million other people i miss, from school and downtown and ctc and every other little bit of my life, and whether you know it or not you're probably on the list. i love you all.