why does it scare me that i just heard four incredibly skinny sixth graders arguing about who need to go on a diet more? ah, i know...because it's fucking scary.

my mind and body are completely wacked out...today is the first day i've really eaten since sunday and it isn't liking it at all. i'm fucking sick of being sick. i've been sick since the weekend before spring break and it keeps changing into something new. my body is in self destruct mode even as my mind is getting its act back together. the scratch on my had is bothering me right now...in that kind of well it did help but i'm not going to do it again sort of a way...i'm not going to kill myself, you don't kill yourself to prove you're real. and it's not bad right now. i'm learning to handle it. no worries. i looked in the mirror last night and realized that somehow at some point i had gotten really skinny. when did that happen? do i just not look in mirrors much? it was weird...i didn't recognize the girl staring back at me. i look so fragile sometimes. and i know i'm not, but it disturbed me to realize that the back-of-my-mind fears of being fat were so completely unfounded...is my self image that warped?

one of the girls from my dance studio is getting married in august, and the first chick i had a crush on is coming back from the air force to be her maid of honor. i'm so nervous...i haven't seen kate in four years now. she left two weeks after our dance recital, 1999. i didn't think she'd ever remember me, the random eleven-year-old who always stood right in front of her at the barre. she'd give me little visual cues on my dancing...i think i improved more that year than any other year. and i remember her so often now. the other day i was talking to juliet (the chick who's getting married) about how i missed kate...and she said they'd had a conversation about me the other day...i didn't think kate would remember i existed. but apparently she does. and now i'm nervous about seeing her again, wondering how much of my memory of her is true to reality and wondering how much she's changed. i know i'm not the same girl who idolized her four years ago...chances are she's not the same either. but i'm so fucking excited to see her again. gaaaaaaah.

i've been thinking about my sexual orientation (blah that word's so silly...) lately, and have developed a theory. it's a matter of commitment...and how for you'd go. for example i kiss guys and fool around with them but i wouldn't sleep with them...or marry one...so really the only reason i like guys is to kiss them and such, so really i don't like guys. get the logic? and the last time i thought a guy was truly hot...er...um...let me get back to you on that.

by the same sort of logic (do i need to go through it?) i like girls. a lot.

so generally i'm kinda a lesbian.

unfortunately there are no girls around to do anything with...i'm so horny right now...but no there are no hot girls i can fool around with and/or go out with or anything...at least not that i know of...i'm just a little bit frustrated.