i think i'm going to stay up all night to get myself out of this particular academic hole. that won't help my mental or physical health much, except to keep me out of trouble with my teachers. i can't stand it when they're either worried about me or mad at me because i see altogether too much of them. why can't they fuck off and leave me alone?

to do:
1. spanish final paper, three days overdue.
2. spanish in class essay rewrite, five days overdue
3. personal essay. don't remember when it was due.
4. their eyes were watching god essay, due tomorrow
5. short story for creative writing app, due tomorrow
6. i+s essay on plato, thirteen days overdue.

erk. that's entirely ignoring all potential homework except large writing assignments. i also have back chem and math, and have yet to [re]read about half of their eyes were watching god.

and i'm sick.

on the bright side, mental instability has given me inspiration for my seven page story, and piles of somewhat interesting homework are keeping me from dwelling too much on said mental situation. all in all pretty good, except for the fact that i'm not going to be sleeping or doing anything except write for a very long time.

i wonder how long it'll take for my fingers to get sore.

at one am i was lying awake in bed, writing a somewhat disturbing story in my head, thinking about whether it could end up being seven pages long. i decided it could. then i fell asleep and dreamed...about what i'm not sure, but they were the strangest, most vivid dreams i'd had in a long time.

it's nice to be dreaming again.

my mind is picking up the pieces of my life and slowly putting them back together again. it's not going to be easy, and probably not fun, but i'm not scared anymore, i'm almost excited to see what happens.

and i'm sorry if i freaked anyone out...but thank you guys so much for worrying and caring about me...i don't know what i would have done if i hadn't been able to talk to all of you. and you're absolutely wonderful, the only reason i'm pulling through as well as i am, which is pretty damn well considering.

and i have my muse back. she'd been gone for so long...i was worried. but late last night and today i've had impulses to create, to write. it's coming easily.

thank whatever god feels like being thanked...

being a rock really isn't so bad. you learn some really interesting things.