wow, i didn't realize how long it had been since i'd written. i'm back. i never intended to be gone, it just happened.

i really hate how names look written with numbers and such. i have no problem with codenames and i have no links. as of now, i use names unless you give me a codename.

para kathryn: quiero hacer un postre de ti y sírvelo a tu mamá. [to go with quiero poner tus brazos en mi sopa]

life has been goodish recently. formal's coming up and i have a suit, to be picked up on friday. a warning to all: my hair will most likely look pretty crappy tomorrow, i have to dye it twice to make it look good and i only have time tonight to dye it once, so tomorrow it will be ugly green-red-brown unless by some twist of fate my hair likes red dye better than other colors.

mar's mum thinks ni and i are going out. heh. i don't quite know what to think. it really amuses me and i can see how she could maybe think that and yet at the same time i wonder...have i changed that much? i never used to flirt. i wouldn't have done anything in public. now i would and do. when did i change, and how? ::sigh::

pat called today. i just picked up the message. he can't go, the fucker. so here i am, dateless, and with a tux to go to formal in. any volunteers to be my date? fuck fuck fuck fuck....i suppose if i get desperate i have two options, 1) to go stag, and 2) to call rob. i bet he'd go (not in drag, though, and i really don't want to lead him on any more than i already did this summer.) today brought me down off my three-day high in which everything was okay even if it really wasn't. it rained and everything worked okay and even though pat called to say he might not be able to go we talked and came up with a way it might work and i persuaded myself that it would. silly me. i ought to have known better. it was too good to last. i couldn't believe it the day he said yes and now i can't comprehend that he's pulled out three days before formal.

trilling came up to ni and me in the cafeteria and asked if we'd been this close before we took intro together and we looked at each other and realized we've gotten close only this year and even though i already knew that, it feels like longer to me and it was an interesting revelation. ni, in case you manage to read this, i still have the note and i'll give it back to you tomorrow. sorry. (can't cross it out here. hah!)

life has gone from insanely good to blah in a few hours and i really don't want to be here right now. i don't want to be much of anywhere. ::sigh::

i'm beginning to dread formal. it won't be anywhere near as amusing as it would have been with pat and everyone else has a date...and i'll be wearing a tux with no guy in drag balancing it out.

i just had a crazy urge to call hannah. i don't know why. she was my best friend for years and even after going out last year we've managed to stay really close and i really want to talk to her for some reason. i wrote a poem for emily (not c*sti emily) in spanish today. it made me really sad because even though she lived i have really, really sad memories of when she was fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, and hannah would come stay here while mica visited her in the hospital and dad would tell us what had happened, whether she'd slit her wrists or od'd or generally gone off the deep end...the good part is that it all turned out okay. i saw scarlett (she changed her name) on monday. it had been a really long time since i'd seen her and i didn't realize how much i missed her until i saw her. when she called on sunday she told me to ask for emily if i called her at work because they wouldn't know who the hell scarlett was. emily, to me, is fourteen-year-old techie emily i knew when i was ten. the emily who then dyed her hair and started smoking and attempted suicide multiple times. except that was scarlett. emily left when scarlett arrived. i haven't thought of her as emily in years. even back then she was emma most of the time. like megan was megan when i was nine, but is now meg. i don't think of her as megan anymore. and hannah's real name is katherine. i've never called her that. she's always been hannah. and you really didn't need to know this much about her family. but it's what's on my mind and i feel a little bit better now that it's all down. i don't know why i've been thinking so much about their family recently. maybe it was talking to scarlett.

en nombre de quienes no tienen esperanza
y quieren escapar

en nombre de quienes no quieren vivir
pero aún viven

en nombre de quienes han intento de suicidio
yo pregunto
¿quién está responsable?

that's as much of the poem as i remember. i'll post the full version when i get it back from doña.