behind social graces

i don't know why i feel so shaken and fragile. what it is keeping my eyes openand my brain alert. i dont know why every movement anyone makes, every word they say imprints itself so deeply on my concsiousness. i'm a watcher. i remember. i had a dream about a security camera that zoomed in on someone as he was saying something. something important. i remember smells and colors and paictures, the exact feeling of mo's hands on my back as she gave me a massage, the way a bit of wire dug into my back when she and kachina and i squeezed onto the edge of a planter. i remember people watching with her. she's one of the only people i've ever shared people watching with. usually i'm a loner, sitting on a bench or at a table, making up stories about the people who pass. i'm deathly afrain of ever forgetting anything. that's why i save every email, every conversation, every message, every note. there's a shoe box in my cupboard full of tickets and programs and newspaper clippings and coded notes and journals, chronicling everything i can never forget. i don't feel the cold. all that's in my head are words and wishes and memories. things i wish i'd done. but how do i become part of things? being afraid of phones is no good. i'm too insecure to approach people, except for a few cases like mo and robin. in general i guess i've been getting better at social stuff, but i still don't feel a part of any of it. i'm always outside. but i guess outside isn't too bad a place to be.