i just told my father more than i ever told him before in my life. an hour and fifteen minutes solid ranting about how he and my mother have ruined my life. because they had. every huge screwed up thing about me goes back to them. kat once asked me what my biggest fears were and one of them was turning out like my parents. i think that's my biggest fear ever. it's scary. everyone swears they won't turn out like their parents, yet they always do. my father swore he wouldn't be abusive, but guess what? i lived with an abusive father the first seven years of my life. everyone thought he had it under control, then november happened.that's what scares me most, the ability to slipp and hurt someone. i am deathly afrain of making the wrong choice or not thinking something through and hurting someone. a fifteen-year-old shouldn't have this many demons to fight. i think that's why i identify with autry a lot more than some people, because we may not have the same demons but we still have way too many. it's not easy. my father was abusive. he is an alcoholic, fortunately sober for eight years. he did drugs. he never lied to me about any of this.

thinking back on my rant, i think my hugest, overarching fear is being dependent on someone or something. i don't want anything to have influence over me, be it grugs or parents. they aren't parents. they are walking fuckups. sure my dad is cool, but he royally screwed up any chance he had. the sad part is that i wouldn't trade this life i'm living. i hate life, but i don't want to be one of the girls who makes it to sophomore year innocent, no swearing, straight a's. i was never that girl. they were never there for me, too wrapped up in their own problems to really notice. i was left to be respnsible for myself, and i was. even when i couldn't get myself around...i just realized this recently, how much they screwed me over. i handled everything myself cuz that's what i do. i haven't cried in months.i just don't do that now. i've gotten too emotionally tough from being hurt over and over.

i hate them for it. i really do. they are the reason i am deathly afraid of commitment. it isn't hannah. it never was. it was them. i've spent fifteen years stuck in the middle, watching what they do to each other. love, hurt, drive crazy, split up...the pain goes on. i never want to do that to anybody. i don't want to get attached because i don't want to hurt or be hurt. that's why i try to keep my distance, even if it's subconscious. maybe that's why you feel like you don't know me. you find things out in small packages, but never get the full picture. all this is coming up right now because my fear of commitment is being questioned and i'm stressed and i'm scared shitless about what's going to happen. do i have to go through life paranoid and stressed to stay out of trouble? it was easy to make promises to myself when i had no chance to break them. now i do. and i could. but i won't and i'm not going to. what scares me most is that i could slip on something i didn't think was really an issue. i didn't think i could do that and i did. so what happens with the things i know i could do?

i don't want to hurt you. that's why i'm so scared about what i think is happening. that i'll be wrong and make a bad choice and screw it up and fuck over our friendship and hurt you. being hurt i can get over. nonissue. hurting other people i never stop beating myself up about. i feel so bad, and it's proof that i'm turning out like them.

as is my sister. to her i am mean and violent and intimidating and everything i swore i would never be. i feel so awful because i know i can slip. i do. i don't want to but it always happens and it terrifies me.

i hate them for screwing me up like this. i may not be generally suicidal or have had an eating disorder. it's more internal than that. i was on their emotional rollercoaster my whole life and it's hard to come out of that inrtact. i think i've survived pretty well, considering. sometimes i wish i could've smashed something or screamed and gotten all this out before it turned into these fears and anxieties. i try to ignore them and break away from my parents but they will be hanging over my head for the rest of my life.