t0ni and caddi3:
Taurus (April. 20-May 20)
Your moodiness, lack of productivity, and wasteful habit of just riding around the main roads will get you fired from your job as a Wichita-area lineman.

tam4r and car3y:
Aries (March 21-April 19)
It will be hard for you to fill Dick Clark's shoes, so be sure to use a high-quality hydraulic cement.

me:
Cancer: (June 22-July 22)
It takes a lot to offend you, but you are profoundly outraged that Ricky Schroeder is hosting the new American Sportsman

gotta love the onion.